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Jeremy Simon ’13

Jeremy Simon. The Man. The Myth. The Legend. Like all figures of renown, Jeremy’s life has become shrouded in guesswork and speculation, as the tale of his deeds are passed down in the reverent whispers of lonely maidens. Let this purely factual account set things straight, and make known the truth about this fantastical man.

Jeremy “The face-crusher” Simon, as he would later come to known upon his entrance into the world of mixed martial arts, was not born of a woman. In fact, he was not born at all, in the traditional sense. Instead, he simply emerged into being with as great flash of light and a resounding chorus of angels at the age of 13. Three days later, he won two Mr. Universe contests, set the world record for consecutive flawlessly executed 900 degree spins on a skateboard (34) and took first place in the Junior Ms. America contest by default because all of the other contestants killed themselves out of shame and hopelessness.

He was admitted to Amherst College’s class of 2013 after submitting an application consisting of only a picture and “A+” scrawled on the back of a bar coaster. This was unnecessary, however, becausee had been accepted into the college every year since his arrival on this world, and had only decided to attend college after taking, then subsequently teaching every course his high school had to offer.

Yet what perhaps stands out most about this timeless hero is his singing. Listening to him sing is akin to rafting gently down a river of liquid orgasms. He has a 7 octave range, can communicate effectively with whales, and has sung all of Mozart’s Arias. At the same time. There were no survivors of this particular event, as all who were in attendance died and were ascended into a higher plane of existence by the sound.

It is rumored that Jeremy Simon once sung off key, just to see what it was like.