The DQ of Amherst College

Jia Mizell ‘13

Like most children, Jia had to overcome a great deal of adversity growing up. She was born, or should I say, “created” at a small Chia pet factory in Iowa. Unlike her Chia pet brethren, however, Jia had major defects. When other Chia pets were watered, they would grow hair-like grass. When Jia was watered, she broke out singing beautiful arias lower than most basses can sing. She tried to get along with her fellow Chia pets by singing the classic Chia pet theme song, but it came out as, “J-J-J-JIA!”.

Feeling desolate and lost, Jia eventually ran away from her Iowa factory. With no means to generate an income, Jia took to singing on the streets for money and betting passing men she could singer lower than they could. She won the bet every single time. After she had made a substantial amount of money, she decided she needed a personal assistant to cater to her every whim. She hired the first blonde midget she could find, and she and Lina have been inseparable ever since.

Jia had a life-changing experience and almost had a super successful career as a pop star. She woke up one morning after a long night of partying and was absolutely convinced she felt just like P. Diddy. Then, she couldn’t find her toothpaste and, being resourceful, decided to brush her teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s Whiskey. These strange events inspired Jia to write a song. A demo of “Tick Tock on the Clock” was released to RCA records, but Jia was turned away due to, and I quote, “the lack of a symbol in her name and the grammatical correctness of her song title.” A week later, Ke$ha released “Tik Tok”. Feeling absolutely defeated, Jia decided she had nothing better to do and decided to start going to school at Amherst College, where she and her midget assistant reside today. Late at night, you can find Jia dancing by herself in a corner, mysteriously reciting the lyrics to every Ke$ha song on the album….hmm…