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David Ressler ’13

When David Ressler—aka the (other) Demon Barber of DQ—isn’t making grown women orgasm with the mere sound of his voice (ask Julie Moorman ‘11), he’s performing on stage as popular Disney Channel character Hannah Montana. Contrary to popular belief, the fictional blonde pop-star is not teen sensation Miley Cyrus, but rather slightly older, much hotter teen sensation David Ressler.

No one knows exactly how David pulls off this impressive feat of deception. One source, who will remain unnamed, said it takes “phenomenal acting skills and a lot of duct tape.” Beyond that we can only surmise at the camera angles used to make audiences perceive the 6’8”, 347lb Ressler (2% body fat) as the 5’4”, 90lb Montana (-3% body fat).

Beyond this little is known of this secretive baritone, other than that he was the inspiration for the Beatles’ lyric about “kaleidoscope eyes.”

Some prominent rumors:

He’s been seen—but never photographed—in dark alleys, playing checkers with Pookie, his pet wombat.

Uncles tell their nieces that he enjoys sky-diving in hail storms and long walks on hot coals.

A blind hobo once remarked that he laughs at everything.

A little bird says his favorite color is mauve and his favorite meteorological index is the dew point.

His super power is the power to move you and his word is law.

David’s inclusion in the DQ was intended both to replace Marshall Nannes ’09 and to lock up every male solo for the next 4 years. It is unclear whether this will take time away from his hectic performing schedule which includes his TV show, movies and concert tours. In any case, when David’s in rehearsal you can expect hearty laughter and blushes from the womenfolk.

And no, he has never heard a Jay-Z song.