The DQ of Amherst College

Liam Wilbur ’13

One can only dream of one day being the grandfather that Liam is. A connoisseur of all fine things, he knows instantly the difference between a 500 and 501 thread count sheet set, a fine and extra-fine pen, and a Cuban and Honduran cigar. He plans to start a Twitter site where the sole accepted comments will use only the following adjectives: spicy, peppery (red or black), sweet, harsh, burnt, green, earthy, woodsy, cocoa, roasted, aged, nutty, creamy, cedar, oak, chewy, fruity, and leathery. If you’re lucky he’ll sell you his opinion for some crazy techno or super super dark window shades.

Being raised in a cave has resulted in a serious aversion to all things bright (like the sun) except for preposterous amounts of neon colored light sticks, which are perpetually strung around his room in hopes of continuing planned twenty-four hour raves for forty-eight. Though he’s kind enough to let us enjoy his musical stylings at DQ events, he keeps the real beat boxing talents under wraps. Instead he joyfully expresses himself through the music David shares with him, including JoJo, the cast of Glee, and all modern musicals.

Liam is also part of a secret order of people who are never sarcastic, never funny; this order obviously has a very strict dress code of leather, tattoos and surgically inserted diamonds. Before the first concert we had to rip THE hat off his head as it was super-glued on; as far as I know he has now had it surgically reattached. We are currently fundraising for laser instruments that will make the process of removal less painful.

The members of DQ have resigned themselves to life without Liam when, after a week of continuous raving, he collapses in a heap of ashes, and like the phoenix, rises from the dust a day later. We get lucky when his girlfriend is visiting because at least she, unlike his roommate, is usually able to tell us whether he’s still alive.

Liam also recently wrote, directed, produced and musically accompanied a ground-breaking performance about the bro-ho conflict, for which he won the Nobel Peace Prize. It was televised on all major news networks as a critical piece of work on which all new legislation should be based.

And you think I’m joking.