The DQ of Amherst College

Gabriella Selover

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Born in a manger in the northern hemisphere of a small blue planet called earth, Gabriella Selover was destined for greatness. Upon the day of her birth, the sea beside the arid desert of Santa Monica approached, in all its watery glory, to see the newborn child and, basking in her infant gurgles (sounds that even then were arias to the cosmos) decided that it would remain and turn the arid, practically unlivable desert into the beachfront wonderland that it is today. Its advance into the land of the western United States resulted in the sinking of the city of New Atlantis. Such was the majesty of Gabby’s vocal presence even then. When it came time to leave Santa Monica for the sunny climes of Los Angeles, Gabby single-handedly lifted her home and (Wizard of Ahhs style) tornado-ed it to its new location, singing as she went. It was on that day that her parents decided it was time to enroll their child into private school in order to acquire an education. Gabby was two and a half years old.

By the age of three, Gabriella was at the top of her class, taking math classes with high school seniors, biology classes with a resurrected Charles Darwin (brought to life exclusively for her edification), and reading at a 7th grade level. As a reward for her glowing academic record, her parents decided to add three new additions to their nuclear American family, at the behest of the young savant and her older brother, Jesse. Tug, the tiniest, most precious, and sweetest dog in all the land of LA was the first addition to the family. Moonlight Sonata (named for a piece Gabby mastered on seventeen different instruments at the age of six) and Serendipity added a double-trouble feline facet to the family dynamic. Within a week Gabby had taught Tug and Serendipity to harmonize with her in three-part harmony. Moonlight Sonata was more reluctant and refused Gabby’s tutelage, a mistake no one, mortal or immortal, would ever make again. Having already learned everything she would ever need to know about the world and its inhabitants, Gabriella devoted herself to an a capella group called the Monotones, angels in human form whose voice ring ever to highest realms of existence. Tapping into her love of anything Rogers and Hammerstein, Gabby made it her additional mission to perform every play known to man (and some that have yet to be written and will never be seen again by human eyes.) She accomplished her task in less than a week.

On a whim, Gabby decided that she was bored of high school and that it was time to move onto better things. Accepted into the Amherst College DQ, Gabriella had a near death experience out of sheer joy, met, chatted with the divine powers of the universe (lingering to teach them what true beauty is), and returned to the mortal realm to begin her career as a New Q among the dulcet tones and overwhelming charisma of Amherst’s only secular co-ed acapella group. A lover of group texts, Gabby always has her phone and (as a result of her experience with the divine) knows before you do when you are going to text her and comes up with a response a week ahead of time to be delivered promptly, politely, and delightfully enthusiastically when it would make the most sense to you. Do not be fooled however by the silence with which the text is delivered, it is only that your ears are not pure enough to hear the song in them, performed in Gabriella’s immutably gorgeous soprano. Some say that on quiet nights, you can hear the clouds harmonize with her melody…