The DQ of Amherst College

Eric Cheung

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Eons heretofore, in the wake of a colossal meteorite crash onto the surface of Mother Earth (specifically, Gaithersburg, Maryland) a beautiful, space-baby was borne out of porous, cosmic rock. As the goop coagulated and solidified in the form of a sultry, Asian male (its particular racial inclination), the Mother shed a single tear at her witnessing the arrival of her messiah. For days upon weeks upon months upon years, the alien-child was left to undercover the ways of the Mother through empirical observation. He would endlessly stare out into rainy ponds and volcanic eruptions, and he’d recreate the workings of the Mother in his restive mind. The astro-toddler’s first syllables were indeed rapid, rhythmic sequences of b’s, t’s, k’s, and an arcane noise analogous to the likes of a so called “record scratch” in these modern times. The Mother took unrequited fancy with this particular noise and named the cosmo-boy, “Ewih.” Unfortunately, the extraterrestrial-offspring misheard and/or misinterpreted the auspicious title, thereupon referring to himself as “Eric.”

Eric had lived on in this solitary fashion for a consecutive set of days upon weeks upon months upon years. Well equipped with sacred knowledge of the Maternal machinery, teen-Eric entered into a phase of bitter disillusionment. He was fed up with having to cater to a single entity. Why was it that the Mother had a monopoly over Eric’s company? He had once belonged to the universe, and now he was imprisoned on a single spherical mass. Unsurprisingly, the omnipotent Mother had pre-arranged for Eric’s growing cynicism and resentment, being all merciful, graceful, and generous as She is wont to be. She first offered Eric cannabis on his 14th Birthday in the form of cannabis-derived birthday candles. Thereafter (as is wont for hashish consumers) he began to experiment with the likes of crystal meth, heroine, crack cocaine, LSD, and hallucinogenic mushrooms, often simultaneously. Soon enough, intoxicating substances began to take more meaning in Eric’s life than the bountiful biotic potpourri that had once provoked impregnable joy in his infantile self. He became miserable with his petty state of existence, in which the negative effects of one substance was alleviated by the positive effects of another – an eternal cycle of raging dependence.

Once, after a good dose of heroine one wintry evening, Eric curiously surveyed his Mother, as he was wont to do in his early days. A single tear streamed gently down his tremulous, withered face and he vociferated at his Mother’s crown, “Mother-mine! What hath led thee to tear me asunder? Thou once hath kindled in me ethereal irradiance, and now you’ve molded me into a deciduous conflagration flanking the banks of Lethe! Oh, if only I could know the sweet taste of dew dripping from the tips of leaves once again, the excited rustling of their branches, Oh!” And with this supplication, the Mother retaliated, “Deeeaaamnn, chill out doe! All dat I done is give you some weed ‘n shit and you sittin’ there bawlin’ yo’ ass off. Dis entire time, since dat day I gave you hash on yo’ birfday, I ain’t blinked. My eyes been on you like the Pope’s on little boys’…” The Mother proceeded in her vernacular at some length, explaining the how She’d needed Eric to be exposed to the evil that complemented goodness in Her bosom, so as to heighten his appreciation for all that is wholesome. The Mother’s keen insight had clearly proven fruitful, as Eric was presently in all-encompassing prostration, begging for the happenstance to embrace loveliness in life once again, never to be taken for granted.

With this, the Mother dutifully complied, and endowed Eric with a asexually reproductive capacities. Without a clue as to what was suddenly bulging out of his left nut, a feminine specimen of unparalleled splendor quite simply emerged from the effervescent medium. Her sinewy body seemed to sway perpetually to the rhythm of her dancing lockets, and her skin embodied only all that is benevolent in the Mother’s image. With this, Eric was enamored and wholly ecstatic at the thought of such gorgeous company. Upon yet another set of days upon weeks upon months upon years, the two love-pioneers were to conceive the humble beginnings of the humanoid variety with nothing to lose in the face of the all-endearing Mother.