The DQ of Amherst College

Jordy Samuels

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Straight out of the dungeons of New York where her family was incarcerated for having the coolest last name. Jordy Samuels lived the hard knock life off of bread and water until one day she escaped after chiseling away at the walls with her ukulele strings. After reassembling her ukulele she then performed on the streets of Harlem fighting off thugs, melting them with her smooth voice and high falsetto notes. Miley Cyrus grew horribly envious of Jordy’s singing after walking by that Harlem Street and attempted a grand theft auto of her ukulele. Fortunately, Batman was nearby to drop kick Miley in the face. She now has Twerkitis resulting in her largely negative, but wide popularity. Jordy on the other hand took refuge in Amherst College where Miley Cyrus would be repelled by the overwhelming atmosphere of diversity. Adopted by the DQ family, Jordy Samuels now lives life free from da struggles.