The DQ of Amherst College

Sebastian Son ’21

Born in the most dangerous maximum security prison in Fort Lee, NJ, Sebastian quickly learned that he had to fight for his survival. Stories rapidly spread about the tatted up, no-nonsense infant pumping iron with the toughest of criminals. By age four, through a combination of fights, crime, and rad beatboxing skills, Sebastian had already climbed the social ladder and become head of the prison gang.

Sebastian, a.k.a. Seb Capone, enjoyed his life of evil and villainy. However, after being moved to tears by Disney’s Frozen, Sebastian realized the value of love, friendship, and individuality. Oh, and he remembered he had ice powers too. So, he decided to stage a large scale prison breakout. Using the dual elements of his icy powers and fire beatboxing, Sebastian easily thwarted the prison’s security measures. However, he didn’t anticipate the warden’s final line of defense – an army of Bees? The vicious insects swept through the rebelling cellmates, including the giant, pescetarian snowman Elaf. To mourn his friend, Sebastian sang him his favorite song, Za Ooh, for the last time. The act of true love and friendship thawed Elaf’s frozen heart and brought him back to life.

The duo used the newfound power of their friendship to fight off the Bees? and defeat the warden, who revealed that he too was a bee in disguise and that they were fellow prisoners in this vast prison system. However, because he was so moved by the duo’s friendship, the Bee Warden used his dying breath to point out a poster in his office. Behind the poster, the two found a tunnel that the Bees? had been digging with their stingers over the last 19 years. Following it, the two found themselves crawling 500 yards in a sewage pipe as Morgan Freeman narrated their adventure. Finally free, they raised their arms up to the raining sky and were thankful that this overdone Shawshank Redemption reference was finally over.

Sebastian later found his way to Amherst College and the DQ, where he uses his freedom to serenade the college with his sweet falsetto and lay down beats with his killer beatboxing skills.