The DQ of Amherst College

Mark Knapp ’10

knapp

DON’T LET THIS PICTURE DECEIVE YOU! MARK KNAPP IS A TERROR TO BEHOLD IN PERSON.  STANDING A DEVASTATING 20 STORIES TALL, WITH OVER 116 BLOOD-DRENCHED TEETH AND TALONS SO SHARP THEY COULD SLICE THROUGH MEAT OF THE CORNER DELI VARIETY, MARK IS OFTEN COMPARED TO THE MONSTER FROM THAT HORRIBLE, AWFUL MOVIE CLOVERFIELD, WITH ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS GOO!  MARK “GIANT BEHEMOTH” KNAPP PREFERS TO LEAD THE GROUP BY TERRIFYING THEM INTO DOING WHAT HE ASKS, OR RISK GRISLY DEATH!!!!  AFTER SUCH FEROCIOUS INSTRUCTIONS AS “umm…guys, can we run that song again? — no? ok, well, i feel like…–what? ok, let’s move on i guess” AND “julie? umm, do you want to lead this warmup?”, THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE DQ OFTEN COWER IN HORROR, FORGETTING EVEN THE MOST BASIC FORMS OF SPEECH, ONLY TO FURTHER ENRAGE THE BEAST THAT IS MARK KNAPP.  ON A GOOD DAY, IT CAN BE SEEN SKULKING THROUGH THE STREETS NEAR WHERE SAM MILLER’S AND MOLLY JESSUP’S FRIENDS LIVE, AND ON BAD DAYS…OH MY GODDDD!!!! RUNNNN!!!! HE’S COMING!   AAAAHHHHHHHH!!  

One rehearsal,  it was so infuriated with the group’s performance on “Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now” that it SAVAGELY placed its piece of music on the floor,  BLOWING AWAY ANDREW NEWMAN WITH THE ENSUING VORTEX,  AND THEN IT APOLOGIZED TO THE GROUP AND GENTLY PICKED THE MUSIC BACK UP!!!!  OH GOD!!!  THE SCENE WAS SO UTTERLY HORRIFIC THAT ASHLEY STOPPED GIGGLING,  CAUSING MARK TO APOLOGIZE A SECOND TIME!!!!!!  Mark waits MENACINGLY for people to stop talking before he speaks,  and is INSATIABLY careful to display the MOST GRUESOME of etiquette when addressing the group.  If there were ever proof of its utter inhumanity,  sometimes Mark even REFUSES TO USE “I” STATEMENTS!!!!!  THE HORROR!!!!!