The DQ of Amherst College

Rebecca Eppler-Epstein ’12

ee1In 1990, Rebecca Eppler-Epstein was delivered to a hidden forest in Connecticut upon birth by a stork.  She was quickly adopted by a sympathetic family of chipmunks who called themselves the Chippindale’s and given a hospitable home in an underground burrow.  An astute infant, she learned the language of the local critters by the age of one and quickly became a functioning citizen of the forest.  Unable to climb trees, however, Rebecca often found herself bumped, bruised, and on her rear end in many feeble attempts to do so.  Rebecca always found that she had a knack for music and even managed to construct an instrument purely out of acorns at the age of two.  Her acorn instrument instantly became her best friend, and she would carry it everywhere she went for the rest of her life.  Although Rebecca could never actually carry on a conversation with her instrument, the connection was so deep that words were not necessary.  By the time she was three, Rebecca had started her own forest chorus.  She continued to conduct her chorus for seven straight years, but eventually grew weary of performing for an audience completely composed of trees.  She decided it was time to move on to bigger and better things, and bid farewell to her forest kin.

Rebecca marched out of the forest into Guilford, Connecticut buck naked, dirty, and confident. After receiving several questionable glances, Rebecca, for the second time in her life, was taken in by sympathetic family.  This time the family was human, and they called themselves the Eppler-Epstein’s.  Rebecca was given clothing and taught to be civilized.  She attended school in Guilford and instantly managed to make some real friends (not to diminish any of her relationships within the forest) and further pursue her interest in music.  Eventually she applied to Amherst College and managed to get in after winning over her audience with a sentimental college essay about her acorn concoction she had conjured in the hidden forest.  Rebecca fits in very well as a college student, but she is still known to revert back to her native habits and streak around campus every so often when she thinks no one is watching.